Fear of spiders

I wouldn’t go so far as to say I suffer from arachnophobia but I would say I don’t enjoy spiders company.

Snakes on the other hand I don’t care much for, in fact, if I wasn’t under the impression that all were poisonous I’d go and poke them if I saw them and take them home to eat all the spiders. Firstly I don’t think all snakes are poisonous and secondly I don’t think snakes eat spiders. But I would poke them just to say Hi, and besides, snakes know to stay outside.

Spiders go around silently and spin webs and one day might spin a web around me while I sleep and suck my blood out, snakes on the other hand can’t spin webs and there for can’t hurt me - Spiders have 8 legs and you can’t trust anything with 8 legs (octopus can’t be trusted either on that regard, but that’s not their fault, and they don’t really have legs technically)

If I discover a spider in my dwelling I usually do one of two things. Capture it and throw it outside (capture usually means entering a state of panic and using a container and a sheet of paper to capture it - if viewed this exercise could seem quite girlie in action) If escape is possible before the spider could be captured - or given an awkward position in a web - destruction is the next form of attack. This usually involves a shoe or a long handled object like a broom. This if viewed may also appear a little girlie in its action - but subtlety is the least of my concerns, eradication of the spider whether peacefully or aggressively is all that matters.

Tonight, after being mentally upset from multiple sources - telephone, frostcloud and plain frustration towards myself, was capped off by not even being able to enjoy a piss without discovering a spider in my bathroom. Well two. The first was squashed, it tried to get away but failed, the second still lives in my bathroom. I didn’t turn the lights on to take the piss and figured this is how they were caught off guard still plotting in their webs to kill me as I sleep, but one is dead the other is alive, for now. It pisses me off though that a little fucker like a spider gives me fear. I let one live since wile trying to think of my next course of action (to find a killing appliance) i saw another spider web with some dead bug in it - the one with the pincers on the end - earwig or something) obviously killed by yet another unseen spider - which is better, death by spider or death by earwig I wondered.

During this moment of contemplation, down on my knees looking at the dead bug in the web, I figured it was hopeless, I’m surrounded by things out to upset me. I figured I’d come on here and write a blog entry to say I was leaving FrostCloud since it was only another source of frustration for me, reading about nothing but religion and argumentation about killer Nazis and Jews, things which will never be solved and things I would never think enter into a religious conversation (how dumb of me to think Nazis would be discussed in religion - heaven forbid kindness and hope be discussed) Then I sat here thinking of Dante’s Divine Comedy while munching on some fruit salad and researching Arachnophobia and realising it’s not Frostclouds fault, it’s my own.

I can blame spiders, frostcloud, telephone conversations even the whole world, but it all boils down to me. It’s my own fault that my life is like it is and that I think the things I think. I have to change myself before I can start blaming outside sources. It will take some time to find happiness, it’ll take less time to deal with that spider if I see it again, it’s days are numbered but tonight it can contemplate it’s own actions and see if it thinks about going outside where it belongs and where I wont squash it.

I want to point my aggression towards something solid, something that might fight back, something that’s not just in my head, but I find if I do that I’ll be the hypocrite, I'll be at fault as much as the people and things that I want to attack. I need to step back and view my own actions and try to learn from the anger and self pity that I inflict upon myself and say “it’s not them, it’s me” I need to change myself before I can be at peace. I’ll try hard and one day peace might come mentally as well as physically.