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  #1  
Old 11-14-2020, 05:30 PM
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Joint story writing

I'll start a story, and anyone who wants to can contribute bits to it. The idea is that each person writes up to about six sentences, and then someone else, or they themselves if no one else does and they feel like it, replies to the thread with a new part of the story. So we'll see what direction it goes in.

So here's the first bit:

------------

A man went to the doctor complaining that he had arthritis in his nose. The doctor told him people don't get arthritis in their noses, and asked why he thought he had arthritis in it anyway.

The man explained that he'd heard that acidic foods can aggravate arthritis symptoms in people who've already got it. He started wondering if they could cause it in the first place, so he developed the suspicion that he had arthritis in his nose when it started hurting after he'd shoved several blueberries up it one evening.

The doctor asked him why he'd shoved blueberries up his nose. The man replied, ...
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  #2  
Old 11-19-2020, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post
A man went to the doctor complaining that he had arthritis in his nose. The doctor told him people don't get arthritis in their noses, and asked why he thought he had arthritis in it anyway.

The man explained that he'd heard that acidic foods can aggravate arthritis symptoms in people who've already got it. He started wondering if they could cause it in the first place, so he developed the suspicion that he had arthritis in his nose when it started hurting after he'd shoved several blueberries up it one evening.

The doctor asked him why he'd shoved blueberries up his nose. The man replied, ...
"I love the smell of blueberries and they are the only thing that can disguise the disgusting smell of old Butch's sphincter whistles!" The doctor was puzzled and astounded at such dumbfuckery but as a doctor, she had to remain professional. "Sorry, whose Butch?" the Docter inquired. "Oh! He's a micropig that I bought about 2 years ago, cute as a button he was, but now he weighs 20 stone. He's house trained and that but flatulence can be a problem. I came home the other week with a fag on, I opened the door and was greeted with a flash flame which singed my eyebrows. I left the windows closed and there must have been a build up from Butch bum gas so to speak." he replied.

The doctor had a fantastic idea....
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Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #3  
Old 11-19-2020, 06:47 PM
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----------

She said, "This isn't something I was taught about in medical school, but how about you keep it in a shed outside, or else put a cork on a string in the pig's bottom most of the time, and then take it for a walk once a day and pull the cork out in the fresh air in some place, and then run away till it's done all the farts it's built up over the day, and then put the cork back in? You could whittle it down somehow so it's got a pointed end, so it'll be easier to push in.

"I know trapped wind can cause some pain, so leaving the cork in there for a long time might hurt the pig a bit; but if it looks as if it's in pain any time when you don't feel like going outside with it, you could, say, put it on a lead and walk it into your bedroom to let loose, if you're not planning to be in there for an hour or so, and then bring it back into your living room so it can watch the telly with you, and then put the cork back in. Then you won't feel the need to shove blueberries up your nose any more, so your pain symptoms will disappear without me having to prescribe expensive painkillers for you, - although don't tell any drug companies I said that, since they'd like me to do that, so they'd be disappointed. But then having said that, they've never given me any advice about what to do when pig farts are leading to pain, so I don't know if they would have any special objections to my idea, on the grounds that I should have been aware that their products are recommended to be able to help with pain caused by pig fart complications."

The man said, ...
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  #4  
Old 11-23-2020, 11:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post


----------

She said, "This isn't something I was taught about in medical school, but how about you keep it in a shed outside, or else put a cork on a string in the pig's bottom most of the time, and then take it for a walk once a day and pull the cork out in the fresh air in some place, and then run away till it's done all the farts it's built up over the day, and then put the cork back in? You could whittle it down somehow so it's got a pointed end, so it'll be easier to push in.

"I know trapped wind can cause some pain, so leaving the cork in there for a long time might hurt the pig a bit; but if it looks as if it's in pain any time when you don't feel like going outside with it, you could, say, put it on a lead and walk it into your bedroom to let loose, if you're not planning to be in there for an hour or so, and then bring it back into your living room so it can watch the telly with you, and then put the cork back in. Then you won't feel the need to shove blueberries up your nose any more, so your pain symptoms will disappear without me having to prescribe expensive painkillers for you, - although don't tell any drug companies I said that, since they'd like me to do that, so they'd be disappointed. But then having said that, they've never given me any advice about what to do when pig farts are leading to pain, so I don't know if they would have any special objections to my idea, on the grounds that I should have been aware that their products are recommended to be able to help with pain caused by pig fart complications."

The man said, ...
"I've tried a cork before and it didn't work. The backpressure was too great that the cork kept on shooting out after a while, it knocked over a vase once, plus Butch had followed through which isn't pleasant, it's a lot worse than having blueberries up your nose." The doctor smiled and then let out a little sigh but before she could speak the man continued. "You have just given me a brilliant idea, instead of blueberries, I could use something like pineapple chunks?" The doctor now looking at the man in disbelief replies in quite a stern voice. "No, no, no, you shouldn't be shoving fruit up your nose!"

The man paused for a moment and said. "Well I could try lumps of bread but that won't be the same as..." The doctor interrupted "You shouldn't be shoving anything up your nose." Looking puzzled the man said "What, not even cocaine?" "No, not even cocaine!" replied the doctor. "What about a nasal spray?" said the man looking all smug. "Only if you have a problem with your nasal passage!" replied the doctor.

She momentarily began to think about all the years of hard work and training she had done to get to this position and this is what it had boiled down to, advising a man to stop shoving stuff up his nose. Suddenly she remembered during her training on behavioral therapy, that they were taught about odd and strange fetishes including one where people got aroused by putting fruit up their noses. The correct name was Fruiticus Inserta Nasus Paraphilias or FINP-ing as it was more uncommonly known.

She was worried about Butch, should she call in the RSPCA? She knew she couldn't because of patient confidentially, she knew she had to ask the question but was scared of what the answer might be. She hesitantly plucked up the courage and asked. "Do you and Butch have relations...you know...of a sexual nature?"

The man replied...
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #5  
Old 11-23-2020, 02:00 PM
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Originally Posted by stundie View Post
... The man replied...
... "Not since last month, when I had a scary experience when I thought he might crush me to death after he went to sleep on me. And I thought he was enjoying himself too much to do that! I think he must have thought I'd make a nice mattress.

"I couldn't get him to wake up. It took me hours and hours to work myself out from under him. Perhaps he just didn't have the energy to get up. I suppose it was my fault really: I always used to deprive him of food all day before we got it on, because I thought a full stomach might make him a bit lethargic so he wouldn't perform at his best, and because I wanted to deprive his stomach of any material it could make farts out of, because, well, it would ruin the experience if he did that.

"I don't know - perhaps the pig was just feeling nostalgic when he went to sleep on me, because I used to take him to bed with me when he was little, and he used to sleep on me then.

"Actually, I think the experience last month has left me with arthritis in my back, so it's not just my nose where I've got it. If you can give me something for arthritis in the back so it kills the pain, then I can get back to having relations with my pig the way I used to with no problem, because it won't hurt if he falls asleep on me again.

"And I'd still like you to help me with my nose problem. What if I put Sellotape over it all the time? Maybe I could spray perfume on it first so I'd always be smelling something nice. ... Then again, I don't suppose I really need my nose at all. It just causes problems when I have to smell my pig's farts. It wouldn't matter if he farted all the time if I didn't have a nose, so I wouldn't have to deprive him of food before we got it on, so he'd have the energy to get up if he collapsed on me again, or he might not even collapse. And also, there was one time when I kissed him, when I got scared he was going to eat my nose. I haven't dared kiss him since, but I'd like to be able to do that again. If I didn't have a nose, he wouldn't be able to eat it.

"Hey, maybe you could cut my nose off right now. I expect you've got a freezer you could keep it in, have you, just in case I one day realise I need it after all, and to keep it in safekeeping till then so my pig can't eat it? Then you could thaw it out and sew it back on for me if I want it again. I don't suppose it'll take long to cut it off, will it? I know there are people waiting outside, but if you start right now, they'll only have to wait a minute or so longer than they would have done otherwise, won't they?

"Do you need me to lie down on the couch first, or would it be just as easy to do it while I sit here?"

The doctor replied, ...
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