Joint story writing

[stundie]

Originally Posted by Meme Virus

"I can't prescribe most of those things, but social services might be able to get you a bit of help around your home if you ask them. I could give you some painkillers though."

The old lady said, "Would it be possible for you to give me some that don't cause constipation? My husband took painkillers for a few months last year, and got so constipated with them he put on three stone! Three stone of decaying bodily waste, clogging up his insides! He got pain from that! And when he stopped taking the painkillers, there was too much waste there for his system to get rid of on its own, so he had to go to hospital to get it removed. They had to use a mechanical digger to get rid of it all! They borrowed it from some local workmen, promising to give it a good wash afterwards before they gave it back."

The doctor wondered if the old lady had just come to the surgery to have a laugh at her expense. But she wasn't sure. She said, "Would you mind if I had a look at your husband's hospital records?"

The old lady said, "Sure, go ahead!"

So the doctor looked them up on her computer. And she discovered that ...

the hospital had broken 2 industrial colon hydrotherapy machines trying to get some sort of movement which didn't work. Then they tried using an industrial-strength pressure washer while her husband was bent over with his arse in the air, all this did was send him flying across the room as a crumpled wet pile in the corner, leaving him with friction burns to his forehead and knees. They then tried to use a pneumatic drill but all this did was cause anal fissures and a lot more pain.

Finally, they broke through using a mechanical digger and manage to remove his bodily waste using equipment from some workmen has she had said.

The doctor was quite surprised and this was probably one of the most difficult cases she had seen but she had an idea. "Right, I'm going to prescribe Oxycodone for the pain and if you should become constipated, you need to insert one of these into your anus." the doctor said and passed the lady a box.

The lady took the bok and adjusted her glasses so she could read the description. "Standard Firework Bangers!" she said looking puzzled.

"Yes!" replied the doctor, "If you get constipated, just pop one in and let it off, you'll be running to the toilet in no time."

The old lady had a huge smile on her face. "Thank you very much Doctor," she said, "but what about the risk of burns around my...you know...ring piece."

The doctor replied, "You won't feel a single thing because you'll be out of it on Oxycodone and if you need to treat the burns, just smear a knob of butter around the burn wound, as you did in the olden days."

"Much appreciated. I just wish you were my husbands doctor, he would have preferred to have been banged in the arse and smeared with a knob of butter than that invasive digger clawing away at him." said the old lady with a smile as she got up off the chair. "Anyway, thank you again."

"No problems Mrs Tatcher, I hope your husband Dennis gets better soon." replied the doctor.

After the door had shut, the Doctor looked at her watch, the surgery was almost closing but before she called in the next patient, she pulled her mobile phone out and decided to look at the news headlines. The headline read.....