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  #16  
Old 01-19-2021, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post
"I can't prescribe most of those things, but social services might be able to get you a bit of help around your home if you ask them. I could give you some painkillers though."

The old lady said, "Would it be possible for you to give me some that don't cause constipation? My husband took painkillers for a few months last year, and got so constipated with them he put on three stone! Three stone of decaying bodily waste, clogging up his insides! He got pain from that! And when he stopped taking the painkillers, there was too much waste there for his system to get rid of on its own, so he had to go to hospital to get it removed. They had to use a mechanical digger to get rid of it all! They borrowed it from some local workmen, promising to give it a good wash afterwards before they gave it back."

The doctor wondered if the old lady had just come to the surgery to have a laugh at her expense. But she wasn't sure. She said, "Would you mind if I had a look at your husband's hospital records?"

The old lady said, "Sure, go ahead!"

So the doctor looked them up on her computer. And she discovered that ...
the hospital had broken 2 industrial colon hydrotherapy machines trying to get some sort of movement which didn't work. Then they tried using an industrial-strength pressure washer while her husband was bent over with his arse in the air, all this did was send him flying across the room as a crumpled wet pile in the corner, leaving him with friction burns to his forehead and knees. They then tried to use a pneumatic drill but all this did was cause anal fissures and a lot more pain.

Finally, they broke through using a mechanical digger and manage to remove his bodily waste using equipment from some workmen has she had said.

The doctor was quite surprised and this was probably one of the most difficult cases she had seen but she had an idea. "Right, I'm going to prescribe Oxycodone for the pain and if you should become constipated, you need to insert one of these into your anus." the doctor said and passed the lady a box.

The lady took the bok and adjusted her glasses so she could read the description. "Standard Firework Bangers!" she said looking puzzled.

"Yes!" replied the doctor, "If you get constipated, just pop one in and let it off, you'll be running to the toilet in no time."

The old lady had a huge smile on her face. "Thank you very much Doctor," she said, "but what about the risk of burns around my...you know...ring piece."

The doctor replied, "You won't feel a single thing because you'll be out of it on Oxycodone and if you need to treat the burns, just smear a knob of butter around the burn wound, as you did in the olden days."

"Much appreciated. I just wish you were my husbands doctor, he would have preferred to have been banged in the arse and smeared with a knob of butter than that invasive digger clawing away at him." said the old lady with a smile as she got up off the chair. "Anyway, thank you again."

"No problems Mrs Tatcher, I hope your husband Dennis gets better soon." replied the doctor.

After the door had shut, the Doctor looked at her watch, the surgery was almost closing but before she called in the next patient, she pulled her mobile phone out and decided to look at the news headlines. The headline read.....
__________________
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"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #17  
Old 01-19-2021, 06:23 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stundie View Post
The headline read.....
"Pope Sues his Doctor for Prescribing Amphetamines"

She read the story, and was amazed to discover that the pope had recently gone to his doctor complaining of aches and pains that made it hard for him to stand up and greet all his thousands of adoring fans when they came to see him for Sunday mass. He'd even been feeling too lethargic to want to perform the mass. His doctor had promised him that amphetamines would give him tons of energy and make him forget his pain, so he wouldn't have that problem any more.

The treatment had worked. But to the pope's later embarrassment, the pills had put him on such a high that after greeting his masses of fans, he'd invited them all to a party he'd decided to host, where he'd stripped naked and danced around Vatican City, singing at the top of his voice, and encouraging all his fans to follow him. He'd heartily recommended that they take all their clothes off too. Some did.

He'd had so much fun that he did the same thing the following week. And during the masses he led, he threw his head back and guzzled down entire bottles of communion wine, and led the congregation in bawdy songs about Jesus going away for dirty weekends with Mary Magdalene.

He was thoroughly enjoying himself, till a big group of cardinals knocked on the door of the Vatican one day and made an official complaint, threatening to force him to resign. And journalists started ringing him up to ask him what was going on, and requesting permission to come and film his Sunday antics.

He was upset about that, and worried he was going to be blamed for his shocking behaviour. So he decided to blame his doctor instead and sue him. He reluctantly stopped taking the amphetamines. But when he went back to feeling as bad as he had before, he worried that if he sued his doctor, the doctor wouldn't give him something else to help with his problem.

But then he came up with the idea of microdosing the amphetamines. He did, and he found it helped, without turning him into a maniacal party animal. But he decided to sue his doctor anyway, because he just had to escape the blame for his bad behaviour by blaming someone else.

When the doctor reading that story had finished it, she started to feel a bit concerned that she might be sued herself, perhaps by the old lady she'd just seen, if using the fireworks she'd prescribed caused an accident. She imagined the story getting in the papers, with headlines like,

"Burning Bum Doctor Prescribes Fireworks to Patient"
or, "Doctor's Prescription Blows Old Lady's Bottom Off"
or, "Doctor Sued After Prescription Causes House Fire"

She wondered whether she ought to phone the old lady up soon and ask her to come in again and prescribe something different for her, telling her not to use the fireworks after all. But she thought it would be a pity, since they seemed such a good solution.

After thinking about it for a little while, she decided to ...
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  #18  
Old Yesterday, 02:52 PM
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stundie stundie is offline
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post
"Pope Sues his Doctor for Prescribing Amphetamines"

She read the story, and was amazed to discover that the pope had recently gone to his doctor complaining of aches and pains that made it hard for him to stand up and greet all his thousands of adoring fans when they came to see him for Sunday mass. He'd even been feeling too lethargic to want to perform the mass. His doctor had promised him that amphetamines would give him tons of energy and make him forget his pain, so he wouldn't have that problem any more.

The treatment had worked. But to the pope's later embarrassment, the pills had put him on such a high that after greeting his masses of fans, he'd invited them all to a party he'd decided to host, where he'd stripped naked and danced around Vatican City, singing at the top of his voice, and encouraging all his fans to follow him. He'd heartily recommended that they take all their clothes off too. Some did.

He'd had so much fun that he did the same thing the following week. And during the masses he led, he threw his head back and guzzled down entire bottles of communion wine, and led the congregation in bawdy songs about Jesus going away for dirty weekends with Mary Magdalene.

He was thoroughly enjoying himself, till a big group of cardinals knocked on the door of the Vatican one day and made an official complaint, threatening to force him to resign. And journalists started ringing him up to ask him what was going on, and requesting permission to come and film his Sunday antics.

He was upset about that, and worried he was going to be blamed for his shocking behaviour. So he decided to blame his doctor instead and sue him. He reluctantly stopped taking the amphetamines. But when he went back to feeling as bad as he had before, he worried that if he sued his doctor, the doctor wouldn't give him something else to help with his problem.

But then he came up with the idea of microdosing the amphetamines. He did, and he found it helped, without turning him into a maniacal party animal. But he decided to sue his doctor anyway, because he just had to escape the blame for his bad behaviour by blaming someone else.

When the doctor reading that story had finished it, she started to feel a bit concerned that she might be sued herself, perhaps by the old lady she'd just seen, if using the fireworks she'd prescribed caused an accident. She imagined the story getting in the papers, with headlines like,

"Burning Bum Doctor Prescribes Fireworks to Patient"
or, "Doctor's Prescription Blows Old Lady's Bottom Off"
or, "Doctor Sued After Prescription Causes House Fire"

She wondered whether she ought to phone the old lady up soon and ask her to come in again and prescribe something different for her, telling her not to use the fireworks after all. But she thought it would be a pity, since they seemed such a good solution.

After thinking about it for a little while, she decided to ...
forget about it and called on her next patient.

A young man walked in and said "Evening Doctor." and proceeded to sit down.

The doctor was thankful that this man appeared to be normal and was hoping that she could have a normal patient with a normal problem, so she could give a normal diagnosis, she breathed a huge sigh of relief and replied. "Hi there, what can I do for you today?"

"Well I'm after some advice, my wife was diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer around 3 months ago." said the man.

"Oh I'm very sorry to hear that, how is she responding to the news and treatment." replied the doctor sympathetically.

"Well that's the thing, she didn't need any treatment. Obviously, I was very worried and asked her if there was anything I could do for her. So she said that I should give her cunnilingus every day. So being the loyal husband that I am, I did that and despite all the pain and suffering from my tongue and mouth, I did what was best for her because I love her." he replied.

"OK. And has that helped?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the amazing thing is that she is in full remission, the tumor has shrunk and almost disappeared. Her Doctor has been claiming that it's nothing short of a miracle. She was about to start Chemotherapy but doesn't need it anymore." replied the man.

"Well that is amazing...fantastic news!" beamed the Doctor. "So what is the problem?"

The man put his hands on his head and said "The problem is her mum whose just turned 55 and her Grandma whose 88 have both been diagnosed with cervical cancer too and now my wife wants me to perform cunnilingus on both of them in the hope it might save their lives."

"Oh!" said the doctor looking slightly horrified.

"The thing is, I don't think I can bring myself around to the idea, in fact, the idea repulses me and makes me gag if I think about it for too long. Also, her mother is quite proud of the fact she lets her body hair grow and I can only imagine that it looks like a badger with a stab wound," he said with a grief-stricken look on his face. "And as for her Grandma, well I get the feeling she is actually lying about it."

"What makes you say that?" asked the doctor.

"Well, she was celebrating and smiling when she was supposedly diagnosed with cervical cancer! No tears or any signs of any stress. This was only a few days after my wife's mother was diagnosed. Plus, she keeps licking her lips and winking at me every time the subject comes up. It wouldn't be so bad if it was her Grandad." said the man.

"Why is that?" replied the doctor.

"Cause he's dead and I'd rather suck on the cock of a ghost than chew her grandma's box. Opening her up grandma's legs will no doubt be like opening up a pair of rusty garden shears and I can only imagine that sticking my tongue on her will be like licking a 9v battery" replied the man.

The doctor wondered if she could help the man in his predicament. All of a sudden, she had a great idea....
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #19  
Old Yesterday, 03:38 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stundie View Post
All of a sudden, she had a great idea....
She said to the man, "Tell your wife's grandmother that you've been informed by a doctor that sunshine works just as well as cunnilingus, so what she should do is to go somewhere private that gets a lot of sunshine, and do some naked sunbathing, opening her legs and letting the sunshine in.

"Tell her that to be on the safe side, she should get monitored by a doctor to make sure the treatment's working. She needs to go to her surgery and ask to speak to the most handsome young doctor they've got. Tell her he can check to see if sunbathing's working, and if it isn't, she should insist that the doctor does cunnilingus on her. After all, she might like the idea of having it performed by a doctor even more appealing than the thought of you doing it.

"As for your wife's mother, tell your wife that the doctor said that there's not necessarily anything special about your own technique or saliva; hers might be just as good; so if she cares about her mother, she can try doing cunnilingus on her mother every day herself."

The man said, "I'm worried that the stress of doing that might bring her cancer back though. There can't be many people who wouldn't be disgusted by the thought of doing that to their own mothers."

The doctor said, "OK then. Is your wife's mother's husband still alive?"

The man said, ...
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