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  #16  
Old 01-19-2021, 05:06 PM
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Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post
"I can't prescribe most of those things, but social services might be able to get you a bit of help around your home if you ask them. I could give you some painkillers though."

The old lady said, "Would it be possible for you to give me some that don't cause constipation? My husband took painkillers for a few months last year, and got so constipated with them he put on three stone! Three stone of decaying bodily waste, clogging up his insides! He got pain from that! And when he stopped taking the painkillers, there was too much waste there for his system to get rid of on its own, so he had to go to hospital to get it removed. They had to use a mechanical digger to get rid of it all! They borrowed it from some local workmen, promising to give it a good wash afterwards before they gave it back."

The doctor wondered if the old lady had just come to the surgery to have a laugh at her expense. But she wasn't sure. She said, "Would you mind if I had a look at your husband's hospital records?"

The old lady said, "Sure, go ahead!"

So the doctor looked them up on her computer. And she discovered that ...
the hospital had broken 2 industrial colon hydrotherapy machines trying to get some sort of movement which didn't work. Then they tried using an industrial-strength pressure washer while her husband was bent over with his arse in the air, all this did was send him flying across the room as a crumpled wet pile in the corner, leaving him with friction burns to his forehead and knees. They then tried to use a pneumatic drill but all this did was cause anal fissures and a lot more pain.

Finally, they broke through using a mechanical digger and manage to remove his bodily waste using equipment from some workmen has she had said.

The doctor was quite surprised and this was probably one of the most difficult cases she had seen but she had an idea. "Right, I'm going to prescribe Oxycodone for the pain and if you should become constipated, you need to insert one of these into your anus." the doctor said and passed the lady a box.

The lady took the bok and adjusted her glasses so she could read the description. "Standard Firework Bangers!" she said looking puzzled.

"Yes!" replied the doctor, "If you get constipated, just pop one in and let it off, you'll be running to the toilet in no time."

The old lady had a huge smile on her face. "Thank you very much Doctor," she said, "but what about the risk of burns around my...you know...ring piece."

The doctor replied, "You won't feel a single thing because you'll be out of it on Oxycodone and if you need to treat the burns, just smear a knob of butter around the burn wound, as you did in the olden days."

"Much appreciated. I just wish you were my husbands doctor, he would have preferred to have been banged in the arse and smeared with a knob of butter than that invasive digger clawing away at him." said the old lady with a smile as she got up off the chair. "Anyway, thank you again."

"No problems Mrs Tatcher, I hope your husband Dennis gets better soon." replied the doctor.

After the door had shut, the Doctor looked at her watch, the surgery was almost closing but before she called in the next patient, she pulled her mobile phone out and decided to look at the news headlines. The headline read.....
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #17  
Old 01-19-2021, 06:23 PM
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Originally Posted by stundie View Post
The headline read.....
"Pope Sues his Doctor for Prescribing Amphetamines"

She read the story, and was amazed to discover that the pope had recently gone to his doctor complaining of aches and pains that made it hard for him to stand up and greet all his thousands of adoring fans when they came to see him for Sunday mass. He'd even been feeling too lethargic to want to perform the mass. His doctor had promised him that amphetamines would give him tons of energy and make him forget his pain, so he wouldn't have that problem any more.

The treatment had worked. But to the pope's later embarrassment, the pills had put him on such a high that after greeting his masses of fans, he'd invited them all to a party he'd decided to host, where he'd stripped naked and danced around Vatican City, singing at the top of his voice, and encouraging all his fans to follow him. He'd heartily recommended that they take all their clothes off too. Some did.

He'd had so much fun that he did the same thing the following week. And during the masses he led, he threw his head back and guzzled down entire bottles of communion wine, and led the congregation in bawdy songs about Jesus going away for dirty weekends with Mary Magdalene.

He was thoroughly enjoying himself, till a big group of cardinals knocked on the door of the Vatican one day and made an official complaint, threatening to force him to resign. And journalists started ringing him up to ask him what was going on, and requesting permission to come and film his Sunday antics.

He was upset about that, and worried he was going to be blamed for his shocking behaviour. So he decided to blame his doctor instead and sue him. He reluctantly stopped taking the amphetamines. But when he went back to feeling as bad as he had before, he worried that if he sued his doctor, the doctor wouldn't give him something else to help with his problem.

But then he came up with the idea of microdosing the amphetamines. He did, and he found it helped, without turning him into a maniacal party animal. But he decided to sue his doctor anyway, because he just had to escape the blame for his bad behaviour by blaming someone else.

When the doctor reading that story had finished it, she started to feel a bit concerned that she might be sued herself, perhaps by the old lady she'd just seen, if using the fireworks she'd prescribed caused an accident. She imagined the story getting in the papers, with headlines like,

"Burning Bum Doctor Prescribes Fireworks to Patient"
or, "Doctor's Prescription Blows Old Lady's Bottom Off"
or, "Doctor Sued After Prescription Causes House Fire"

She wondered whether she ought to phone the old lady up soon and ask her to come in again and prescribe something different for her, telling her not to use the fireworks after all. But she thought it would be a pity, since they seemed such a good solution.

After thinking about it for a little while, she decided to ...
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  #18  
Old 01-22-2021, 02:52 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post
"Pope Sues his Doctor for Prescribing Amphetamines"

She read the story, and was amazed to discover that the pope had recently gone to his doctor complaining of aches and pains that made it hard for him to stand up and greet all his thousands of adoring fans when they came to see him for Sunday mass. He'd even been feeling too lethargic to want to perform the mass. His doctor had promised him that amphetamines would give him tons of energy and make him forget his pain, so he wouldn't have that problem any more.

The treatment had worked. But to the pope's later embarrassment, the pills had put him on such a high that after greeting his masses of fans, he'd invited them all to a party he'd decided to host, where he'd stripped naked and danced around Vatican City, singing at the top of his voice, and encouraging all his fans to follow him. He'd heartily recommended that they take all their clothes off too. Some did.

He'd had so much fun that he did the same thing the following week. And during the masses he led, he threw his head back and guzzled down entire bottles of communion wine, and led the congregation in bawdy songs about Jesus going away for dirty weekends with Mary Magdalene.

He was thoroughly enjoying himself, till a big group of cardinals knocked on the door of the Vatican one day and made an official complaint, threatening to force him to resign. And journalists started ringing him up to ask him what was going on, and requesting permission to come and film his Sunday antics.

He was upset about that, and worried he was going to be blamed for his shocking behaviour. So he decided to blame his doctor instead and sue him. He reluctantly stopped taking the amphetamines. But when he went back to feeling as bad as he had before, he worried that if he sued his doctor, the doctor wouldn't give him something else to help with his problem.

But then he came up with the idea of microdosing the amphetamines. He did, and he found it helped, without turning him into a maniacal party animal. But he decided to sue his doctor anyway, because he just had to escape the blame for his bad behaviour by blaming someone else.

When the doctor reading that story had finished it, she started to feel a bit concerned that she might be sued herself, perhaps by the old lady she'd just seen, if using the fireworks she'd prescribed caused an accident. She imagined the story getting in the papers, with headlines like,

"Burning Bum Doctor Prescribes Fireworks to Patient"
or, "Doctor's Prescription Blows Old Lady's Bottom Off"
or, "Doctor Sued After Prescription Causes House Fire"

She wondered whether she ought to phone the old lady up soon and ask her to come in again and prescribe something different for her, telling her not to use the fireworks after all. But she thought it would be a pity, since they seemed such a good solution.

After thinking about it for a little while, she decided to ...
forget about it and called on her next patient.

A young man walked in and said "Evening Doctor." and proceeded to sit down.

The doctor was thankful that this man appeared to be normal and was hoping that she could have a normal patient with a normal problem, so she could give a normal diagnosis, she breathed a huge sigh of relief and replied. "Hi there, what can I do for you today?"

"Well I'm after some advice, my wife was diagnosed with stage 3 cervical cancer around 3 months ago." said the man.

"Oh I'm very sorry to hear that, how is she responding to the news and treatment." replied the doctor sympathetically.

"Well that's the thing, she didn't need any treatment. Obviously, I was very worried and asked her if there was anything I could do for her. So she said that I should give her cunnilingus every day. So being the loyal husband that I am, I did that and despite all the pain and suffering from my tongue and mouth, I did what was best for her because I love her." he replied.

"OK. And has that helped?" asked the doctor.

"Well, the amazing thing is that she is in full remission, the tumor has shrunk and almost disappeared. Her Doctor has been claiming that it's nothing short of a miracle. She was about to start Chemotherapy but doesn't need it anymore." replied the man.

"Well that is amazing...fantastic news!" beamed the Doctor. "So what is the problem?"

The man put his hands on his head and said "The problem is her mum whose just turned 55 and her Grandma whose 88 have both been diagnosed with cervical cancer too and now my wife wants me to perform cunnilingus on both of them in the hope it might save their lives."

"Oh!" said the doctor looking slightly horrified.

"The thing is, I don't think I can bring myself around to the idea, in fact, the idea repulses me and makes me gag if I think about it for too long. Also, her mother is quite proud of the fact she lets her body hair grow and I can only imagine that it looks like a badger with a stab wound," he said with a grief-stricken look on his face. "And as for her Grandma, well I get the feeling she is actually lying about it."

"What makes you say that?" asked the doctor.

"Well, she was celebrating and smiling when she was supposedly diagnosed with cervical cancer! No tears or any signs of any stress. This was only a few days after my wife's mother was diagnosed. Plus, she keeps licking her lips and winking at me every time the subject comes up. It wouldn't be so bad if it was her Grandad." said the man.

"Why is that?" replied the doctor.

"Cause he's dead and I'd rather suck on the cock of a ghost than chew her grandma's box. Opening her up grandma's legs will no doubt be like opening up a pair of rusty garden shears and I can only imagine that sticking my tongue on her will be like licking a 9v battery" replied the man.

The doctor wondered if she could help the man in his predicament. All of a sudden, she had a great idea....
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #19  
Old 01-22-2021, 03:38 PM
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Originally Posted by stundie View Post
All of a sudden, she had a great idea....
She said to the man, "Tell your wife's grandmother that you've been informed by a doctor that sunshine works just as well as cunnilingus, so what she should do is to go somewhere private that gets a lot of sunshine, and do some naked sunbathing, opening her legs and letting the sunshine in.

"Tell her that to be on the safe side, she should get monitored by a doctor to make sure the treatment's working. She needs to go to her surgery and ask to speak to the most handsome young doctor they've got. Tell her he can check to see if sunbathing's working, and if it isn't, she should insist that the doctor does cunnilingus on her. After all, she might like the idea of having it performed by a doctor even more appealing than the thought of you doing it.

"As for your wife's mother, tell your wife that the doctor said that there's not necessarily anything special about your own technique or saliva; hers might be just as good; so if she cares about her mother, she can try doing cunnilingus on her mother every day herself."

The man said, "I'm worried that the stress of doing that might bring her cancer back though. There can't be many people who wouldn't be disgusted by the thought of doing that to their own mothers."

The doctor said, "OK then. Is your wife's mother's husband still alive?"

The man said, ...
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  #20  
Old 01-27-2021, 01:09 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post
She said to the man, "Tell your wife's grandmother that you've been informed by a doctor that sunshine works just as well as cunnilingus, so what she should do is to go somewhere private that gets a lot of sunshine, and do some naked sunbathing, opening her legs and letting the sunshine in.

"Tell her that to be on the safe side, she should get monitored by a doctor to make sure the treatment's working. She needs to go to her surgery and ask to speak to the most handsome young doctor they've got. Tell her he can check to see if sunbathing's working, and if it isn't, she should insist that the doctor does cunnilingus on her. After all, she might like the idea of having it performed by a doctor even more appealing than the thought of you doing it.

"As for your wife's mother, tell your wife that the doctor said that there's not necessarily anything special about your own technique or saliva; hers might be just as good; so if she cares about her mother, she can try doing cunnilingus on her mother every day herself."

The man said, "I'm worried that the stress of doing that might bring her cancer back though. There can't be many people who wouldn't be disgusted by the thought of doing that to their own mothers."

The doctor said, "OK then. Is your wife's mother's husband still alive?"

The man said, ...
"Barely, he's in the hospital and has been in a coma for about a year. It's been very upsetting for the family as you can imagine. They are talking about switching off his life support machine."

"I'm sorry to hear that. Have you thought about getting your wife's mother down to the hospital and getting her to sit on his face?" replied the doctor.

"Yes I did but he's lying on a bed. So his tongue his towards the back of his throat." said the man looking slightly dejected.

"Well what you could do is a get a pair of kitchen tongues, grab his tongue and pull it past his lips so it's sticking out, put plenty of gaffer tape around his mouth to shut it, so that his tongue is still protruding and get your wife's mother to sit on his face once a day." replied the doctor.

"That's a brilliant idea!" said the man looking sound rather upbeat.

"And who knows, maybe it might bring him out of his coma too." replied the doctor.

"That would be a bonus and she would get all the credit for it. Thank you Doctor, is there anything I can do for you?" said the man.

Before the doctor could say anything, the man had whipped his shirt off revealing his chest and the body of an adonis. He had a fit and muscular body with bulging biceps, an amazing six-pack and was perfectly tanned. The doctor was taken aback and yet she was strangely attracted to him. He gazed into her eyes and they glistened with a passion so deep and firey, that she couldn't take her eye off him. He leaned over towards the doctor, not taking his eyes off her and gave her a soft but passionate kiss on the lips. The doctor was strangely turned on and responded by kissing him back. he bent down and scooped her up within his strong arms and placed her gently on the doctors couch. Deep in the throws of passion, she could hear a strange beeping sound, she placed it to the back of her mind. The man kisses moved over her body, slowly moving downwards. She wanted to object but this felt good except for the stage beeping sounds, she ignored it. The man then was grabbing her breasts and kissing them through her clothes, she let out a moan of excitement, he moved slowly down to her waist and gently hitched her skirt upwards revealing her underwear. The doctor knew this was wrong but it felt so right and he removed her underwear, the beeping noise gently became louder and louder. She looked up at the man and she could see it in his eye, that he desired her so badly and desperately, his hands slowly moved up her legs, she felts the trickles of excitement shooting up towards her brain, he slowly moved his face downwards towards her minge when the beeping sound got louder and louder...."What the hell is that noise?" said the doctor.

Suddenly, the doctor woke in her bed with the blaring beeping sound. She turned over and saw an alarm clock that said it was 7:30am. She hit the alarm off button as the sound was annoying. She rubbed her eyes and thought that those patient weren't even real....why did she have to wake up at such a crucial point when it was just getting exciting.

It had all been a dream, she wasn't even a doctor, she was a.....
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #21  
Old 01-27-2021, 01:49 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by stundie View Post
It had all been a dream, she wasn't even a doctor, she was a.....
worker in a nighty factory. The boredom of the job had driven her to ever more elaborate fantasies when she got home as her brain tried to escape the soul-destroying tedium of her life, and she'd started having weirder and weirder dreams too. Only the night before, she'd dreamt she was a nurse aboard a cruise ship going round the world, attempting to stop the entire group of passengers flinging themselves overboard in protest at a meal they'd all said was way below the standard they expected on a cruise ship.

And just the other day, she'd dreamed she was a policewoman, attempting to arrest a drunken prime minister who'd started a fight with the leader of the opposition in an upmarket restaurant after a posh night out, and then stood on a table bellowing out official secrets.

She began to reflect that what she really needed was a new and more exciting job. She decided to investigate her options when she got home that day.

When she did, she ...
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  #22  
Old 01-29-2021, 03:32 PM
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post
worker in a nighty factory. The boredom of the job had driven her to ever more elaborate fantasies when she got home as her brain tried to escape the soul-destroying tedium of her life, and she'd started having weirder and weirder dreams too. Only the night before, she'd dreamt she was a nurse aboard a cruise ship going round the world, attempting to stop the entire group of passengers flinging themselves overboard in protest at a meal they'd all said was way below the standard they expected on a cruise ship.

And just the other day, she'd dreamed she was a policewoman, attempting to arrest a drunken prime minister who'd started a fight with the leader of the opposition in an upmarket restaurant after a posh night out, and then stood on a table bellowing out official secrets.

She began to reflect that what she really needed was a new and more exciting job. She decided to investigate her options when she got home that day.

When she did, she ...
pulled out a sheet of paper and started to think about how she could achieve happiness and satisfaction in her life. She wrote down the following 4 categories...

What I want in my life and I've already have got.
What I want in my life and I haven't got.
What I don't want in my life and I have got.
What I don't want in my life and I haven't got.

She pondered the things in her life that she wanted and had already got. This was to establish the things she already has and that made her life happy. She had a lovely home, her family and her good friends.

She then went over the things she wanted but hadn't got. She wanted a job that she enjoyed doing, she wanted more money, she wanted to meet someone she could share her life with and wanted to become healthier as she felt that she was gaining weight due her drinking and depression.

She then went over the things that she had in her life which she didn't want. She had racked up about £10,000 of debt, she was depressed, she had a job which she hated with a boss who was just a horrible person.

She then started looking over the things she didn't have or want in her life. She didn't want a toxic relationship, she didn't want to be homeless.

After spending a few hours writing down what she needed to do to put her life in order, she looked at all the things she wrote down, it gave her an insight and roadmap on how to get out of this. She took a deep breath and said to herself "Girl, you've got this! The first thing I need to do is".....
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #23  
Old 01-29-2021, 04:48 PM
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Originally Posted by stundie View Post
She took a deep breath and said to herself "Girl, you've got this! The first thing I need to do is".....
"start dating. Maybe my job would seem a bit more tolerable if I could always look forward to spending time with someone nice when I got home, or at least to having fun going on a date at the weekends."

There was a man on her street who'd sometimes asked her out, but she'd always refused, partly due to hearing weird rumours about how he'd allegedly once stolen an ambulance to serenade an ex-girlfriend of his in the middle of the night by turning its siren on under her window and singing loudly to it, and how he'd once stolen a horse from a field a few miles away and ridden it into town, loudly declaring that it was his pet rabbit that he'd fed so well that it had grown massive and started looking like a horse, and that he ought to win a prize and a job working among top scientists for his impressive ability to have achieved that.

She wondered if it would be interesting and fun to go out with him after all. But after a bit of thought, she rejected the idea, at least for the time being, and decided to date online instead.

She decided that next, she'd look into buying an exercise bike or a folding treadmill or something so she could exercise more, perhaps to her favourite music, or comedies on the radio or something.

Then she thought of trying to look for a new job, but was discouraged by the fact that everything she'd really like to do would require going on a long training course first, and she assumed she wouldn't be earning any money while she did that, so she thought that would be awkward.

So she decided that what might be good would be if she could try to dig up some dirt on her boss to try to get him sacked. She thought that then, hopefully she'd get a nicer one, so that would make her job a bit more tolerable too. She didn't know how she could go about it though, or whether it would even be possible to find out anything incriminating about him.

But after a few minutes' thought, she decided to ...
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