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  #1  
Old 11-14-2020, 05:30 PM
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Joint story writing

I'll start a story, and anyone who wants to can contribute bits to it. The idea is that each person writes up to about six sentences, and then someone else, or they themselves if no one else does and they feel like it, replies to the thread with a new part of the story. So we'll see what direction it goes in.

So here's the first bit:

------------

A man went to the doctor complaining that he had arthritis in his nose. The doctor told him people don't get arthritis in their noses, and asked why he thought he had arthritis in it anyway.

The man explained that he'd heard that acidic foods can aggravate arthritis symptoms in people who've already got it. He started wondering if they could cause it in the first place, so he developed the suspicion that he had arthritis in his nose when it started hurting after he'd shoved several blueberries up it one evening.

The doctor asked him why he'd shoved blueberries up his nose. The man replied, ...
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  #2  
Old 11-19-2020, 05:01 PM
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Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post
A man went to the doctor complaining that he had arthritis in his nose. The doctor told him people don't get arthritis in their noses, and asked why he thought he had arthritis in it anyway.

The man explained that he'd heard that acidic foods can aggravate arthritis symptoms in people who've already got it. He started wondering if they could cause it in the first place, so he developed the suspicion that he had arthritis in his nose when it started hurting after he'd shoved several blueberries up it one evening.

The doctor asked him why he'd shoved blueberries up his nose. The man replied, ...
"I love the smell of blueberries and they are the only thing that can disguise the disgusting smell of old Butch's sphincter whistles!" The doctor was puzzled and astounded at such dumbfuckery but as a doctor, she had to remain professional. "Sorry, whose Butch?" the Docter inquired. "Oh! He's a micropig that I bought about 2 years ago, cute as a button he was, but now he weighs 20 stone. He's house trained and that but flatulence can be a problem. I came home the other week with a fag on, I opened the door and was greeted with a flash flame which singed my eyebrows. I left the windows closed and there must have been a build up from Butch bum gas so to speak." he replied.

The doctor had a fantastic idea....
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Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #3  
Old 11-19-2020, 06:47 PM
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----------

She said, "This isn't something I was taught about in medical school, but how about you keep it in a shed outside, or else put a cork on a string in the pig's bottom most of the time, and then take it for a walk once a day and pull the cork out in the fresh air in some place, and then run away till it's done all the farts it's built up over the day, and then put the cork back in? You could whittle it down somehow so it's got a pointed end, so it'll be easier to push in.

"I know trapped wind can cause some pain, so leaving the cork in there for a long time might hurt the pig a bit; but if it looks as if it's in pain any time when you don't feel like going outside with it, you could, say, put it on a lead and walk it into your bedroom to let loose, if you're not planning to be in there for an hour or so, and then bring it back into your living room so it can watch the telly with you, and then put the cork back in. Then you won't feel the need to shove blueberries up your nose any more, so your pain symptoms will disappear without me having to prescribe expensive painkillers for you, - although don't tell any drug companies I said that, since they'd like me to do that, so they'd be disappointed. But then having said that, they've never given me any advice about what to do when pig farts are leading to pain, so I don't know if they would have any special objections to my idea, on the grounds that I should have been aware that their products are recommended to be able to help with pain caused by pig fart complications."

The man said, ...
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  #4  
Old 11-23-2020, 11:39 AM
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----------

She said, "This isn't something I was taught about in medical school, but how about you keep it in a shed outside, or else put a cork on a string in the pig's bottom most of the time, and then take it for a walk once a day and pull the cork out in the fresh air in some place, and then run away till it's done all the farts it's built up over the day, and then put the cork back in? You could whittle it down somehow so it's got a pointed end, so it'll be easier to push in.

"I know trapped wind can cause some pain, so leaving the cork in there for a long time might hurt the pig a bit; but if it looks as if it's in pain any time when you don't feel like going outside with it, you could, say, put it on a lead and walk it into your bedroom to let loose, if you're not planning to be in there for an hour or so, and then bring it back into your living room so it can watch the telly with you, and then put the cork back in. Then you won't feel the need to shove blueberries up your nose any more, so your pain symptoms will disappear without me having to prescribe expensive painkillers for you, - although don't tell any drug companies I said that, since they'd like me to do that, so they'd be disappointed. But then having said that, they've never given me any advice about what to do when pig farts are leading to pain, so I don't know if they would have any special objections to my idea, on the grounds that I should have been aware that their products are recommended to be able to help with pain caused by pig fart complications."

The man said, ...
"I've tried a cork before and it didn't work. The backpressure was too great that the cork kept on shooting out after a while, it knocked over a vase once, plus Butch had followed through which isn't pleasant, it's a lot worse than having blueberries up your nose." The doctor smiled and then let out a little sigh but before she could speak the man continued. "You have just given me a brilliant idea, instead of blueberries, I could use something like pineapple chunks?" The doctor now looking at the man in disbelief replies in quite a stern voice. "No, no, no, you shouldn't be shoving fruit up your nose!"

The man paused for a moment and said. "Well I could try lumps of bread but that won't be the same as..." The doctor interrupted "You shouldn't be shoving anything up your nose." Looking puzzled the man said "What, not even cocaine?" "No, not even cocaine!" replied the doctor. "What about a nasal spray?" said the man looking all smug. "Only if you have a problem with your nasal passage!" replied the doctor.

She momentarily began to think about all the years of hard work and training she had done to get to this position and this is what it had boiled down to, advising a man to stop shoving stuff up his nose. Suddenly she remembered during her training on behavioral therapy, that they were taught about odd and strange fetishes including one where people got aroused by putting fruit up their noses. The correct name was Fruiticus Inserta Nasus Paraphilias or FINP-ing as it was more uncommonly known.

She was worried about Butch, should she call in the RSPCA? She knew she couldn't because of patient confidentially, she knew she had to ask the question but was scared of what the answer might be. She hesitantly plucked up the courage and asked. "Do you and Butch have relations...you know...of a sexual nature?"

The man replied...
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #5  
Old 11-23-2020, 02:00 PM
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... The man replied...
... "Not since last month, when I had a scary experience when I thought he might crush me to death after he went to sleep on me. And I thought he was enjoying himself too much to do that! I think he must have thought I'd make a nice mattress.

"I couldn't get him to wake up. It took me hours and hours to work myself out from under him. Perhaps he just didn't have the energy to get up. I suppose it was my fault really: I always used to deprive him of food all day before we got it on, because I thought a full stomach might make him a bit lethargic so he wouldn't perform at his best, and because I wanted to deprive his stomach of any material it could make farts out of, because, well, it would ruin the experience if he did that.

"I don't know - perhaps the pig was just feeling nostalgic when he went to sleep on me, because I used to take him to bed with me when he was little, and he used to sleep on me then.

"Actually, I think the experience last month has left me with arthritis in my back, so it's not just my nose where I've got it. If you can give me something for arthritis in the back so it kills the pain, then I can get back to having relations with my pig the way I used to with no problem, because it won't hurt if he falls asleep on me again.

"And I'd still like you to help me with my nose problem. What if I put Sellotape over it all the time? Maybe I could spray perfume on it first so I'd always be smelling something nice. ... Then again, I don't suppose I really need my nose at all. It just causes problems when I have to smell my pig's farts. It wouldn't matter if he farted all the time if I didn't have a nose, so I wouldn't have to deprive him of food before we got it on, so he'd have the energy to get up if he collapsed on me again, or he might not even collapse. And also, there was one time when I kissed him, when I got scared he was going to eat my nose. I haven't dared kiss him since, but I'd like to be able to do that again. If I didn't have a nose, he wouldn't be able to eat it.

"Hey, maybe you could cut my nose off right now. I expect you've got a freezer you could keep it in, have you, just in case I one day realise I need it after all, and to keep it in safekeeping till then so my pig can't eat it? Then you could thaw it out and sew it back on for me if I want it again. I don't suppose it'll take long to cut it off, will it? I know there are people waiting outside, but if you start right now, they'll only have to wait a minute or so longer than they would have done otherwise, won't they?

"Do you need me to lie down on the couch first, or would it be just as easy to do it while I sit here?"

The doctor replied, ...
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  #6  
Old 12-02-2020, 03:23 PM
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The doctor replied, ...
"Do you think this is normal behaviour?" The man looked puzzled and very confused. "Is this because me and Butch are males and you have an issue with...homosexuality?" Slightly flustered by the suggestion "Not at all!" said the doctor. "But you are having interspecies intercourse and there isn't any vocal method or way that Butch can consent." The man started to look horrified "Are you trying to say that I am some sort of monster, you know like some sort of a rapist?" The doctor looked at the man's horrified face and waited hoping the penny would drop but it didn't.

After a moment, he protested. "Look...Butch came onto me first, I wasn't that interested! The first time it happened, I'd fallen asleep on the sofa with a beer and a packet of nuts, I woke up with Butch gnawing at my crotch hoovering up the nuts with his snout. I was shocked, horrified and yet slightly aroused. However, night after night, it kept on happening, I'd fall asleep and he'd wake me up, sometimes it was Whisky and Crisps, or Brandy and Pretzels and before you know it, we are having a relationship."

The doctor remembered that people who were into FINPING were known for making up elaborate stories to justify their behaviour. Despite all of this, the doctor explained to the man "Having sex with any animals is abnormal behaviour and I believe that this is contributing towards your arthritis."

The man looked horrified and confused again. The doctor in her professional capacity was sympathetic towards the man. "Look." said the doctor "I believe that the weight of Butch and the awkward positions you are putting yourself into is roughening of cartilage around your joints." The man replied, "Oooh I love joints!" with a twinkle with his eye. "Not those type of joints!" the doctor hurriedly responded back. "No, I don't smoke those things, only scumbags do drugs! I'm talking about pork joints or beef joint with lashings of gravy!" "No, not those types of joints either, the joints between your bones which is causing you arthritis." replied the doctor. "First we need to wean you off from having sexual relations with Butch."

The man looked dejected for a moment but then he started to rise up and smiled, he turned to the doctor and said....
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #7  
Old 12-03-2020, 11:56 AM
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The man looked dejected for a moment but then he started to rise up and smiled, he turned to the doctor and said....
... "I don't see why that should be necessary really. Tell you what: How about you give me a prescription for masses and masses of lube? If I rubbed a load into my joints, that would make them better, wouldn't it. I've heard something about joints needing lubrication, and arthritis happening because they don't get enough.

"I'd buy the lube myself, but I have to use literally bottles of the stuff when I get down on all fours and let Butch mount me, and I admit it's getting expensive. Wouldn't it be a lot cheaper if I could get it all on prescription? Do you think you could write me one now for, say, 30 bottles or so? That would be nice.

"And don't forget my nose problem! If you don't want to cut my nose off, for some reason, could you at least write me a prescription for some kind of highly-scented lube, so I could pour some up my nose before me and Butch have our romantic times? Or else could I bring him in here so you can stitch up his bottom with really strong stitches, and teach me how to take them out, so I can do that for maybe a couple of hours a day, to allow him to empty himself, and so I can mount him when it's my turn to be on top? Then I could bring him back here every day for you to stitch him up again.

"Is this surgery open in the middle of the night? It would be nice if you could stitch him up straight after we've had our relations. In fact, if you could do it twice a day it would be nice, once after he's emptied himself, and the other time at night when we've had our romantic times. We really do love each other, you know! I don't think you can understand just how much we're devoted to each other! It's just prejudice to think there's something wrong with inter-species relations! If he could talk, I'm sure he'd tell you how much he enjoys it when we make love!"

The doctor said, ...
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  #8  
Old 12-14-2020, 11:15 AM
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... "The doctor said, ...
"Arthritis can't be cured by rubbing lube into the joints! ..."

She was about to continue, when she was interrupted by the sound of the man's mobile phone ringing. He answered it, and immediately a look of alarm crossed his face, and he cried, "Oh no, not again!"

After the phone call, he said to the doctor, "You've got to come quickly! That was my neighbour on the phone, telling me my pig's escaped again! You've got to come and help me catch him! Who knows where he might be by now! Last time he escaped, he ate all the plants in my neighbour's garden, and she made me pay for them. How do we know he won't have been captured by a blood-thirsty money-hungry farmer this time, who might take him to market and have him slaughtered! You've got to help me catch him quick! After all, you wouldn't like it, would you, if you ate a nice chunk of pork one day, only to somehow discover it came from the pig I've been having sexual relations with! You'd probably feel disgusted by that, as well as suddenly deciding it had been cruel to eat him, since you'd surely have to think that's worse than having sex with him, which you seem to think is cruel. Or if you don't think eating pigs is cruel, then it befuddles me that you can think having sex with a pig's cruel but eating one isn't, after it's been gruesomely killed in a slaughterhouse! You doctors are strange! Most people would think killing a pig's crueller than having sex with it, I'm sure!

"But anyway, you've got to come quickly! Bring a tranquilliser dart so you can sedate him, so we can catch him more easily! It took me ages to catch him last time he escaped! It would have been so much easier if you could have come and sedated him that time!"

The doctor said, "I can't do that. I'm a doctor, not a vet; and besides, I've got a waiting room full of patients I need to see! I can't go off chasing pigs just because someone tells me to!"

The man said, ...
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  #9  
Old 01-13-2021, 03:49 PM
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"Arthritis can't be cured by rubbing lube into the joints! ..."

She was about to continue, when she was interrupted by the sound of the man's mobile phone ringing. He answered it, and immediately a look of alarm crossed his face, and he cried, "Oh no, not again!"

After the phone call, he said to the doctor, "You've got to come quickly! That was my neighbour on the phone, telling me my pig's escaped again! You've got to come and help me catch him! Who knows where he might be by now! Last time he escaped, he ate all the plants in my neighbour's garden, and she made me pay for them. How do we know he won't have been captured by a blood-thirsty money-hungry farmer this time, who might take him to market and have him slaughtered! You've got to help me catch him quick! After all, you wouldn't like it, would you, if you ate a nice chunk of pork one day, only to somehow discover it came from the pig I've been having sexual relations with! You'd probably feel disgusted by that, as well as suddenly deciding it had been cruel to eat him, since you'd surely have to think that's worse than having sex with him, which you seem to think is cruel. Or if you don't think eating pigs is cruel, then it befuddles me that you can think having sex with a pig's cruel but eating one isn't, after it's been gruesomely killed in a slaughterhouse! You doctors are strange! Most people would think killing a pig's crueller than having sex with it, I'm sure!

"But anyway, you've got to come quickly! Bring a tranquilliser dart so you can sedate him, so we can catch him more easily! It took me ages to catch him last time he escaped! It would have been so much easier if you could have come and sedated him that time!"

The doctor said, "I can't do that. I'm a doctor, not a vet; and besides, I've got a waiting room full of patients I need to see! I can't go off chasing pigs just because someone tells me to!"

The man said, ...
"Yes you can, you are not defined by your profession!"

"Yes, I am actually"
replied to the doctor before continuing. "I'm afraid it wouldn't be fair on the other patients, some who are sick or very poorly who like you, require my help."

The man paused for a moment and then tears began to dwell in his eyes. He looked confused by the doctor's reaction. "How could you be so cruel! Didn't you take on one of those...what's it called...a...a Hippocratic oath?" said the man whose voice was now wobbling. "I know that Butch isn't a Hippopotamus but I love him dearly, surely you can make an exception just this once?"

The doctor sighed "Sorry, my oath has nothing to do with hippopotamuses, it's to help people who are ill."

The man sobbed "But I am ill!"

The doctor agreed "That is true, but I can only help you with your condition, I can't help you capture an animal, especially one that can't consent!"

The mans tears turned to anger "Don't be surprised when the next time I see you, I have butchered Butch cause you think that interspecies sex is wrong apparently, yet you would have no problems with me or anyone else killing him, and serving him on a plate with some apple sauce!"

The doctor replied "I don't like apple sauce..." she paused for a moment and said, "I'd prefer him served with mustard personally."

The man stormed up out of the chair, he wiped his tears and quickly headed towards the door. He turned and looked at the doctor sternly, directly into her eyes and said "You are one, cruel, evil and sick bastard. Do you know that?"

He opened the door and slammed it shut hard. The doctor was startled by the man's reactions but she was so glad it was all over until a second later the door burst back open and the man reappeared "English or French mustard?" he demanded.

Without missing a beat the doctor replied "Dijon."

The man hesitated and looked at the doctor one last time within nothing more than contempt and slammed the door shut.

The doctor thought about what she had said and thought that Honey mustard might taste better than Dijon. After that, she put the thought into the back of her mind, she stretched her arms and legs out to composed herself for the next patient and pressed the buzzer to tell the receptionist to send the next patient in.

The door opened....
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #10  
Old 01-14-2021, 02:17 PM
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Originally Posted by stundie View Post
"The door opened....
and an old lady walked in, and said, "You've got to help me! I've got flies living in my brain! I can hear them buzzing and feel them flying around! They've been there for weeks! Sometimes they crawl out of my ears for a while, and I'm relieved, only to discover they must have been just going to get their friends, because a little while later, more crawl into my ears than crawled out. I think they're having a party in my brain all day! It's really getting on my nerves! I can't concentrate on anything with them making such a nuisance of themselves!

"Have you got any fly-killing spray that isn't harmful to humans that I could spray into my ears to get rid of them or something? Or could they be sucked out of my ears with some kind of miniature hoover and killed? I'd enjoy watching you kill them. I can't put up with them any more!"

The doctor said, ...
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  #11  
Old 01-15-2021, 02:16 PM
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and an old lady walked in, and said, "You've got to help me! I've got flies living in my brain! I can hear them buzzing and feel them flying around! They've been there for weeks! Sometimes they crawl out of my ears for a while, and I'm relieved, only to discover they must have been just going to get their friends, because a little while later, more crawl into my ears than crawled out. I think they're having a party in my brain all day! It's really getting on my nerves! I can't concentrate on anything with them making such a nuisance of themselves!

"Have you got any fly-killing spray that isn't harmful to humans that I could spray into my ears to get rid of them or something? Or could they be sucked out of my ears with some kind of miniature hoover and killed? I'd enjoy watching you kill them. I can't put up with them any more!"

The doctor said, ...
"What we can do is get the Dyson vacuum cleaner out with the nozzle, we put that over your ear, blocking the other ear with a cork and just suck the flies out."

"That sounds brilliant!" said the old lady.

"We'll put on the crevice tool because there is a chance we could suck out your brain and we don't want that do we?" replied the doctor.

"Oh we certainly don't want that, my Stan reckons my brain isn't in my head anyway." the old lady chuckled to herself "He reckons it's in my pants!"

"Errr...Right....well hop on to the table and lie down on your side. Then put this cork in your other ear." requested the doctor.

The lady popped up on the couch and lay on her side. The doctor went over to the cupboard and pulled out a Dyson vacuum cleaner, she plugged it in and took the head off the cleaner and attached a crevice tool. "Right, this will be loud but hopefully we should be able to suck them all out including any maggots."

"That will be bril..." before she could finish the doctor switched on the vacuum cleaner and the noise drowned anything the old lady had left to say. The cylinder of the vacuum started filling up with files. The doctor was surprised to see how many were squatting inside of her head when suddenly the pitch of the vacuum cleaner went up indicating a blockage. The doctor removed the crevice tool and switched the vacuum cleaner off and said "Oooh it sounds like somethings got blocked." and looked at the woman who had a vacant expression written over her face. The doctor looked at the nozzle and noticed her brain was wedged in the crevice tool.

"Bollocks!" thought the doctor and wedged her finger into prize out the brain when it slipped out and landed on the floor. "Oh shit!" she screamed, "I hope this hasn't caused any brain damage!" The doctor noticed that the flies were scrambling and leaving her ears on masse. Its when the doctor realised that the woman had shit for brains, hence the reasons the files kept flying into her ears.

The doctor put her brain on the desk and switched the vacuum cleaner back on to remove the rest of the flies. After a few seconds, nothing else was coming out. So the doctor switched it off and grabbed the brain and popped it back into her ear. She looked at the woman expecting the bank expression to change as her brain reengaged but nothing. The doctor grabbed her torch and shined it in her eyes to see if her pupils dilated, there was nothing. She checked if the old lady had a pulse, "Thankfully, I haven't killed her!" she started slapping the old lady in the hope she would respond.

After the doctor slapped her ears with a cupped of her hand, the lady sprung up from the table and said...
__________________
Colonel..
"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #12  
Old 01-15-2021, 04:40 PM
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After the doctor slapped her ears with a cupped of her hand, the lady sprung up from the table and said...
"Vandal you me hitting you are why? Patients their vandalising doctors against law a there isn't? Funny talking I am why and? Brain my to done you have what? It damaged have must you think I!"

The doctor couldn't understand what on earth the old lady was saying. But then she got an inkling that she might be saying all her sentences backwards, and it might be because she'd accidentally put her brain in backwards.

She thought about trying to get it out again and putting it in the other way around. But she knew it would be risky. What if she dropped it on the floor again, or it went right up the vacuum cleaner? What if she accidentally squashed it?

But she thought it wouldn't be fair to leave the old lady to say all her sentences backwards for the rest of her life. So she thought she'd better try it.

So she told the old lady she thought she'd accidentally put her brain in backwards, and said she'd try taking it out and putting it back the right way round.

The old lady agreed to have the procedure done, and lay back on the couch. The doctor managed to successfully suck her brain out, and then slotted it in again the other way around.

She asked the old lady how she felt. The old lady said, ...
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  #13  
Old 01-15-2021, 05:52 PM
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stundie stundie is offline
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Originally Posted by Meme Virus View Post
"Vandal you me hitting you are why? Patients their vandalising doctors against law a there isn't? Funny talking I am why and? Brain my to done you have what? It damaged have must you think I!"

The doctor couldn't understand what on earth the old lady was saying. But then she got an inkling that she might be saying all her sentences backwards, and it might be because she'd accidentally put her brain in backwards.

She thought about trying to get it out again and putting it in the other way around. But she knew it would be risky. What if she dropped it on the floor again, or it went right up the vacuum cleaner? What if she accidentally squashed it?

But she thought it wouldn't be fair to leave the old lady to say all her sentences backwards for the rest of her life. So she thought she'd better try it.

So she told the old lady she thought she'd accidentally put her brain in backwards, and said she'd try taking it out and putting it back the right way round.

The old lady agreed to have the procedure done, and lay back on the couch. The doctor managed to successfully suck her brain out, and then slotted it in again the other way around.

She asked the old lady how she felt. The old lady said, ...
"Oooh I've come all over a little bit queer."

The doctor replied "That might be normal but you should feel better shortly! Can you tell me what your age is?"

"69" replied the old lady. The doctor looked at her medical records, she was 75.

"Can you stick your tongue out for me?" asked the Doctor.

"Oohhh! I love a bit of tongue action, don't you Doc?" giggled the old lady as she stuck her tongue out.

"And have you got any strange cravings?" asked the doctor.

"Ohh I'd love a spotted dick with 2 plums covered in sticky, creamy custard!" replied the old lady. "The only problem is that I get covered in custard and it drips out the sides of my mouth."

The doctor realised that the woman brain must have picked up some dirt as she was now talking in double entendres. She went to the medicine cabinet and pulled out a syringe and thought she would join in the fun and told the lady. "Now, I'm afraid you are going to feel a little prick."

"Is it hard?" replied the old lady. "Yes, I'm going to give it to you in the rear!" replied the doctor. "You'll be the first!" replied the old lady with a chuckle. After the doctor administered her with the injection, she blew into the old ladies ear to remove any signs of dirt and filth that may have been attached. "How do you feel now?" asked the doctor.

"I feel so much better. Thank you for removing the flies, I feel though I can get a decent nights sleep now." said the lady smiling.

"Glad I could help" replied the doctor. "Is there anything else we can do for you today?"

The old lady said....
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"Cheney never, ever says in that interview that he was in the PEOC with Mineta before the Pentagon crash."
"Cheney is clear in the interview 5 days later that he was still in the corridor when or after 77 hit!"
"That he says the plane hit the Pentagon and he was yet to be inside the PEOC"

Cheney...
"I went down into what's call a PEOC, the Presidential Emergency Operations Center...But when I arrived there within a short order, we had word the Pentagon's been hit."
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  #14  
Old 01-15-2021, 09:24 PM
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Originally Posted by stundie View Post
The old lady said....
"I'm OK thanks; but I'll come and see you again if more flies crawl into my brain."

They said goodbye, and the doctor buzzed for the next patient to come in.

It was another old lady, who said, "I'm getting more and more aches and pains as I grow older. They're making housework more and more difficult for me, because they get worse when I stand up.

"I never feel like washing up any more. Could you prescribe me some kind of anti-bacterial spray that's fit for human consumption, so I never have to do my washing up ever again, but I can just spray everything with it before I eat off it, so it doesn't matter that I haven't washed it up, because I won't get sick from eating off it?

"And hoovering's difficult for me now. Could you prescribe me one of those Roomba robot thingies so it'll do my hoovering for me?

"And I'm finding cooking difficult now. Could you prescribe me a chef who'll come round and cook for me every day?

"Actually, maybe instead of anti-bacterial spray, you could prescribe me a washer-upper who'll come round and wash up for me every day?

"And it would be really nice if you could prescribe me someone who can come round and do my washing and clean my house sometimes, because those things are getting more difficult too.

"And actually, what would be really nice is if you could prescribe me something that'll help with my aches and pains as well."

The doctor said, ...
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