Navy joke

[MPDC]

>>Good Master Chief
>>
>>A young Navy Officer was in a bad car accident, but due to the
>>heroics of the hospital staff the only permanent injury was the
>>loss of one ear Since he wasn't physically impaired he remained in
>>the military and eventually became an Admiral. During his career
>>he was always sensitive about his appearance.
>>
>>One day the Admiral was interviewing three Master Chiefs for the
>>Command Master Chief position.
>>
>>The first Master Chief was a Surface Navy type and it was a great
>>interview. At the end of the interview the Admiral asked him,
>>"Do you notice anything different about me?"
>>
>>The Master Chief answered, "Why yes. I couldn't help but notice
>>you are missing your starboard ear, so I need to know whether this
>>impacts your hearing on that side." The Admiral got very angry
>>at this lack of tact and threw him out of his office.
>>
>>The next candidate, a Aviation Service Master Chief, when asked
>>this same question, answered, "Well yes, you seem to be short one
>>ear."
>>
>>The Admiral threw him out also.
>>
>>The third interview was with an Submarine Master Chief. He was
>>articulate, extremely sharp, and seemed to know more than the
>>other two Master Chiefs put together. The Admiral wanted this guy,
>>but went ahead with the same question, "Do you notice anything
>>different about me?"
>>
>>To his surprise the Submarine Master Chief said, "Yes. You wear
>>contact lenses."
>>
>>The Admiral was impressed and thought to himself, what an
>>incredibly tactful Master Chief. "And how do you know that?" the
>>Admiral asked.
>>
>>The Submarine Master Chief replied, "Well it's pretty hard to
>>wear glasses with only one freaking ear!

[jimbad]

Here's The Royal Navy for you!!! (it's a long one!!)

If Nelson’s navy had been subject to today’s regulatory environment, would the Battle of Trafalgar have proceeded more like this?

“Order the signal, Hardy.”

“Aye aye sir.”

“Hold on, that’s not what I dictated to the signal officer. What’s the meaning of this?”

“Sorry sir?”

“England expects every person to do their duty – regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious persuasion or disability. What sort of gobbledygook is this?”

“Admiralty policy, I’m afraid sir. We’re an equal opportunities employer now. We had the devil’s own job getting England past the censors, lest it be considered racist.”

“Gadzooks Hardy! Hand me my pipe and tobacco.”

“Sorry sir. All naval vessels have been designated smoke-free working environments.”

“In that case break open the rum rations. Let us splice the mainbrace to steel the men before battle.”

“The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. It’s part of the Government’s policy on binge drinking.”

“Good heavens Hardy. I suppose we’d better get on with it. Full speed ahead.”

“I think you’ll find that there’s a 4 knot speed limit in this stretch of water.”

“Damn it man! We’re on the eve of the greatest sea battle in history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow’s nest please.”

“That won’t be possible sir,”
”What?”

”Health and safety have closed the crow’s nest sir. No harness. And they say the rope ladder doesn’t meet regulations. They won’t let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected.”

”Then get me the ship’s carpenter without delay, Hardy.”

”He’s busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the fo’castle Admiral.”

“Wheelchair access? I’ve never heard anything so absurd.”

“Health and safety again sir. We have to provide a barrier free environment for the differently-abled.”

”Differently-abled? I’ve only one arm and one eye and I refuse to have the word mentioned. I didn’t rise to the rank of admiral by playing the disability card.”

“Actually sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under-represented in the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency.”

”Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons.”

“A couple of problems there too sir. Health and safety won’t let the crew up the rigging without crash helmets. And they don’t want anyone breathing in too much salt – haven’t you seen the adverts?”

”I’ve never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell the men to stand by to engage the enemy.”

“The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral.”

“What? This is mutiny.”

”It’s not that sir. It’s just that they’re afraid of being charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There are a couple of legal aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks.”

“Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?”

”Actually sir, we’re not.”

“We’re not?”

”No sir. The Frenchies and the Spaniards are our European partners now.

According to the Common Fisheries policy we shouldn’t even be in this stretch of water. We could get hit for a claim for compensation.”

”But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil.”

“I wouldn’t let the ship’s diversity co-ordinator hear you saying that sir. You’ll be up on a disciplinary.”

“You must consider every man an enemy who speaks ill of your King.”

”Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural age. Now put on your Kevlar vest. It’s the rules.”

”Don’t tell me – health and safety. Whatever happened to rum, sodomy and the lash?”

“As I explained sir, rum is off the menu and there’s a ban on corporal punishment.”

“What about sodomy?”

“I believe it’s to be encouraged sir.”

“In that case, kiss me Hardy.”

[jimbad]

Bloody sailor's

[Dragon]

Oh my.........



Both are very funny jokes!!

[fredcai]

brilliant stuff.

[Symptom777]

Blimey, I thought this was going to be pigman's autobiography.

[MPDC]

Originally Posted by Symptom777

Blimey, I thought this was going to be pigman's autobiography.

You really have run out of your 'a' material havent you...

Not that you really ever had any 'a' material. But this is the bottom of the barrel even for you.

[Dragon]

Originally Posted by Symptom777

Blimey, I thought this was going to be pigman's autobiography.

And I wondered if you can ever go off your blantant attacks, but i guess not, loser.....

[MPDC]

Originally Posted by Dragon

And I wondered if you can ever go off your blantant attacks, but i guess not, loser.....

I do not think his post counts as an attack? Something like when a child smacks his mother, durring feeding. Its not an attack. Just an attempt for more attention.

[Dragon]

Originally Posted by MPDC

I do not think his post counts as an attack? Something like when a child smacks his mother, durring feeding. Its not an attack. Just an attempt for more attention.

Was that first sentence a statement or question? It has a question mark, so it is confusing.....

By the way, i dont think he even deserves to be called a child, at least childern eventually listen to their parents....

[Symptom777]

heh heh heh

[jimbad]

Missing Royal Navy Life?
Here‘s how to recapture the atmosphere of the old days and simulate living onboard ship.

Build a shelf in the top of your wardrobe and sleep on it inside a smelly sleeping bag. Remove the wardrobe door and replace it with a curtain that’s too small.

Wash your underwear every night in a bucket then hang it over the water pipes to dry.

Four hours after you go to bed, have your wife whip open the curtains, shine a torch in your eyes, and say “sorry mate, wrong pit”.

Renovate your bathroom. Build a wall across the centre of the bath and move the showerhead down to chest level. Store beer barrels in the shower enclosure.

When you have a shower, remember to turn off the water whilst you soap.

Every time there is a thunderstorm, sit in a wobbly rocking chair, and rock as hard as you can until you are sick.

Put oil instead of water into a humidifier and set to HIGH.

Don’t watch TV except for movies in the middle of the night. For added realism, have your family vote for which movie they want to see – then select a different one.

(Mandatory for engineering types) – Leave a lawnmower running in your living room 24 hours a day to re-create the proper noise levels.

Have the paperboy give you a haircut.

Once a week blow compressed air up through your chimney. Ensure that the wind carries the soot over your neighbour’s house. When he complains, laugh at him.

Buy a rubbish compactor but only use it once a week. Store up your rubbish in the other side of the bath.

Wake up every night at midnight and make a sandwich out of anything you can find, preferably using stale bread. Optional: cold soup or canned Ravioli, eaten out of the tin.

Devise your family menus a week in advance without looking in the fridge or larder.

Set your alarm to go off at random times throughout the night. When it goes off, leap out of bed, get dressed as fast as you can and then run into the garden and break out the garden hose.

Once a month, take every major household appliance completely apart then re-assemble.

Use 4 spoons of coffee per cup, and allow it to sit for 3 hours before drinking.

Invite about 85 people who you don’t really like to come to stay for a couple of months.

Install a small fluorescent light under your coffee table and then lie under it to read books.

Raise the thresholds and lower the tops of all your doors in the house. Now you will always hit your head or skin you shins when passing through.

Put lock wire on the wheel nuts of your car.

Whilst baking cakes prop one side of the cake tin while it is baking. When it has cooled, spread icing really thickly on one side to level it out again.

Every so often throw your cat in the swimming pool, or bath and shout “man overboard”, then run into the kitchen and sweep all the dishes onto the floor while yelling at your wife for not having secured for sea properly.

Put on the headphones from your stereo. Do not plug them in. go and stand in front of your dishwasher. Say to nobody in particular, “dishwasher manned and ready, sir”. Stand there for 3 or 4 hours. Say, once again to nobody in particular, “dishwasher secured”. Remove the headphones, roll up the cord and put them away.

Nickname your favourite shoe “steamies” and get you children to hide them around the house on a random basis

Just for you MPDC!!!!

[Symptom777]

Originally Posted by jimbad

Here‘s how to recapture the atmosphere of the old days and simulate living onboard ship.
Just for you MPDC!!!!

Shpove your nightstick up yer arse, Pigman, then you'll relive those long hot sweaty nights in the can.

[jimbad]

Originally Posted by Symptom777

Shpove your nightstick up yer arse, Pigman, then you'll relive those long hot sweaty nights in the can.

Shit dude the guy's not even here and your doing it!!!! it was ment as a joke not an excuse for you to bash people!!!! (and mpdc, i know you where a submariner, but i thought you still might see the humour, good reading mate)

[Symptom777]

He wasn't a submariner, he just fantasised about a long thin weapon that worked in the wet.
He's bent as a scotsman's walking stick, and everything he says is merely to brace up his self image - it's all uniforms, weapons, locker rooms, punishment, and enforcement.
Pigman - he a gay icon.